Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dear Bird and Bitsy

(Originally posted 03/08 at wordpress)

Dear B&B,
I have been married to a man for about six years, we have been together for eight. I love him, we have a baby, and a great life together. He is handsome and affectionate. The problem is that he wants to have sex all of the time, he asks me every night. It has gotten routine for me to turn him away and for him to pout or get mad. It isn’t that I’m not attracted to him or that I want anything different, I am just tired and not into it. I go to school, take care of the baby, do all the chores, cooking, and cleaning and by the end of the day, I am exhausted and don’t feel attractive or horny. I know I should learn to have sex even when I don’t want to. How can I learn to get into it even when I’m not feeling particularly horny or even awake?
Thanks, Not Feeling in the Mood

Dear NFM,
A couple of things, you two need to talk. I know, people think talking about their sex life, especially when it isn't going great, can be an excruciating, embarrassing, or potentially hurtful experience. But, if you don't talk about how you are feeling, you will build worse and worse habits with each other.

Second, the routine that the two of you are in which he instigates, you are the gate-keeper, and he pressures some more is pretty troubling. When you talk to him it is important to listen about where he is coming from, but the two of you need to talk about this assumption that you are both making that you owe him sex and he deserves it. You are denying your own needs to try to meet his. There is clearly more going on in your relationship and lack of sex is the symptom. Maybe your husband needs to get off his ass and do his share of the chores, taking care of the baby, cleaning, and emotional support. Feeling appreciated, not being exhausted, and not feeling pressured can go along way in increasing horniness.
Lots of love, Bird

Dear NFM,
I'm sorry, did you say YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD LEARN TO HAVE SEX EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO"?!?!?! Newsflash--your body is yours. Your sexuality is yours. I wish I could surgically remove that idea from your brain. If your husband has any self respect, HE SHOULD BE APPALLED BY THE IDEA OF HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE DOING IT! Let me ask you this: Does it sound really hot to you to get all steamy with someone who is just going through the motions to appease some archaic sense of obligation? Secondly, How about showing you and your spouse that people who are rested, cared for, supported, and not overworked might be more likely (but still not obliged) to be in the mood for a little slap and tickle. Finally, have you considered that rather than asking: "how can I have sex when I don't want to?" you could be asking: "how can I get my sex life back"? Maybe you once loved sex (if you didn't, it's not too late), it sounds like you're attracted to your husband, so wouldn't it be great to take care of your self and get your sex drive back? You might teach your partner a thing or two about the behaviors and interactions that turn you on, like how great he looks wringing out a mop or playing with his kids. You can also tell him how sexy you feel after a night out dancing with your friends, a day hiking at the coast, or whatever it is that lights you up.
Sincerely, Bitsy

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